A year later ... we made it.

Coming up on the boys' first birthday has been pretty emotional for me. I don't remember feeling this way when Ella turned one. Maybe it is because I know we won't be having any more babies, and our last babies aren't going to be babies much longer. Maybe it is because I have been thinking about what the last year and a half dealt us, and some of those memories are still scary and sad and frustrating. I think about laying alone in the hospital, wishing Eric was there with me, wishing I could make Ella breakfast and wishing things were normal. I think about my c-section, about seeing those boys for the first time, and being so scared but so happy when we heard them cry, thinking that those cries meant that they were ok. Not being able to hold them until the next night because I was so sick, and because of that stupid hematoma. Of the blood tranfusion, all the pain, falling asleep in the middle of chewing my food. Driving to Sioux Falls every single day, feeling horrible for leaving Ella in daycare to go see the boys, and feeling awful for leaving the boys in the hospital at the end of each day. Being so proud, so happy, and wanting to show off ou babies to everyone. But, no one comes to visit you when your babies are in the NICU. No one visits a new mom when they can't hold her babies. Our families were there, absolutely. Grandmas and grandpas held the boys. But our friends didn't come. We desperately wanted to say, "See, look at our precious boys! Look how well they are doing! Look how cute they are!" But, people are scared of wires and tubes and beeping machines. And they don't visit. They don't ooh and aah over babies hooked up to machines.

A year has passed. Jacob and Boden are big and strong and happy and perfect. Adorable. And we made it. We made it through all that stuff. But ... it is still on my mind. A year isn't enough to erase the feelings.