Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Sometimes

Sometimes I have a bad day. Sometimes, that bad day turns into a bad week. This is one of those weeks.

I'm feeling down. Damaged and easily hurt by people that most likely have no idea they have hurt me. I am taking things personally, being easily offended and my feelings easily hurt. Better to withdraw a little than overreact I guess.

Eric and Ella have been talking a lot lately about how they wished we had a 4th baby to add to the family.

I usually go along with the talk, knowing it will never happen.

Today it hit me. We do have a 4th baby. We are a family of 6 even if I am the only one that remembers, the only one that cares. Ella of course was too young when it happened. She was only 20 months old. She will never know unless I choose to tell her.

There are days when this baby creeps into my thoughts and I usually try to push those thoughts back out. I can't rectify my feelings. Losing that baby brought Jacob and Boden into our life and I can't wrap my head around feeling such sadness for that tiny life lost with the extreme joy that Jacob and Boden bring me.

I push the thoughts out because thinking about it and the way I was supported hurts too much. I carry the burden of a grudge against the person I love most in this world for how the weeks following the death of this baby were handled. For how I was handled. I am still angry.

I have friends that have suffered the death of a baby much further along in their pregnancy. They held that child, named him or her, have photos. They have proof that their baby existed. I do not. On my medical records it states that I had a spontaneous abortion.

Is there an uglier term for the loss of a baby? A baby that I loved even though I knew about his presence for only a few short weeks?

I don't think so.

5 comments:

Lia Lotito said...

Can I hug you right now ???
Totally understand you... people forget it so fast, but a mother never forget... people say you have to move on, but you can move on and also will fell the pain for the lost baby.
Be sure you are not alone!
{{{hugs}}}

Debra said...

{{{Hugs}}} sweetie!!

Phoebe said...

Oh Tali...I am so sorry, sweetie. I can't find the words...just, I'm so sorry. Love you, hun!! Great big hugs!!

Sophie said...

Tali ((((hugs)))) sweetie!!!I'm thinking of you! xxx

katg1006 said...

Tali (((hugs))) A momma never forgets! I am so sorry your loss! ((hugs))