Sometimes

Sometimes I have a bad day. Sometimes, that bad day turns into a bad week. This is one of those weeks.

I'm feeling down. Damaged and easily hurt by people that most likely have no idea they have hurt me. I am taking things personally, being easily offended and my feelings easily hurt. Better to withdraw a little than overreact I guess.

Eric and Ella have been talking a lot lately about how they wished we had a 4th baby to add to the family.

I usually go along with the talk, knowing it will never happen.

Today it hit me. We do have a 4th baby. We are a family of 6 even if I am the only one that remembers, the only one that cares. Ella of course was too young when it happened. She was only 20 months old. She will never know unless I choose to tell her.

There are days when this baby creeps into my thoughts and I usually try to push those thoughts back out. I can't rectify my feelings. Losing that baby brought Jacob and Boden into our life and I can't wrap my head around feeling such sadness for that tiny life lost with the extreme joy that Jacob and Boden bring me.

I push the thoughts out because thinking about it and the way I was supported hurts too much. I carry the burden of a grudge against the person I love most in this world for how the weeks following the death of this baby were handled. For how I was handled. I am still angry.

I have friends that have suffered the death of a baby much further along in their pregnancy. They held that child, named him or her, have photos. They have proof that their baby existed. I do not. On my medical records it states that I had a spontaneous abortion.

Is there an uglier term for the loss of a baby? A baby that I loved even though I knew about his presence for only a few short weeks?

I don't think so.